When I am alone my thoughts begin to swirl. They flow up and down and all around. I never know where they will go. Sometimes I remember. Sometimes I imagine. I think of places I wish I was and places I have been. I think of thoughts and conversations. I think of people I miss and people I don’t know. It never seems to slow.
I end up here. I end up there. It can be quite dizzying. When I try to stop them, they speed up as if they do not care. But when I want to write them down they laugh and disappear.
My whole life I have been good at pretending things are OK. I’m pretty much a professional at it. As a mom I have to be really good at it. No matter how rough things are you have to keep your happy face on for your kids. Because you never want them to feel fear or worry. I am glad I have mastered it.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life and couldn’t ask for much more. But sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see something that other people don’t see. I see a ghost. I see things in my eyes that haunt me. Sometimes I’ll have a flash back of a much younger scared face. Or I’ll see a flash of rage that I have had hidden deep down for a very long time and sometimes on the rare occasion, I’ll hear things. Screams reduced to tiny whispers. And it scares me.
I am scared someone will see. I am scared my kids will notice. I am scared because that is a story I wish were never written and that should never be read.
Then I wash my face until it goes away. But it never really does. It is always waiting to catch me alone to remind me of things not to be forgotten. But that are to remembered until… well I don’t know when. Maybe if I am lucky, when I am old and my memory begins to fade it will too. But I fear that monster will always lurk no matter what I do.
I can feel fire licking my skin. I am lost in you. In this moment there is nothing else I want to do, no where else I would rather be. I can barely breathe. I can feel your pulse raging through me. Our souls are dancing to the rhythm and flowing to the beat. Higher and higher we fly, until we crash and burn. In a flash of a moment, hanging in motionless time. I am yours and you are mine. Forever in this moment until the end of time.
Both of my kids grew another year older this week. It amazes me that once you have kids time seems to go by so much faster. When I was younger I remember my mom telling me that the older you get the faster time goes by. I didn’t believe her because I always believed time was a measured thing. Measured by seconds, minutes, hours, and so on. But sometimes I wonder if those do not really mean anything.
They say time flies when you are having fun and when you are bored time drags on. So what if time is really measured by your experiences. That’s how it feels to me now that I am a parent. As a kid I used to measure time by counting down the days until my birthday, Christmas, school breaks, and by by events. I would measure time by months and weeks. Now, every second counts. Since I had my daughter four years ago, I have known that I don’t know how much time I have with them. I know that anything can happen in the blink of an eye, faster than a second.
The older they get, it seems like somewhere time got put in fast-forward. Like there must be a few missing weeks. Time is a funny thing. No one knows how much of it is allotted to them. We have tried to harness it with numbers and science but , it is still near impossible to measure. We try to stretch it out but no matter what we do, we always will have the same amount and it isn’t even our choice on how much we get.
We spend so much time working, rushing, and doing so many things that in the long run won’t matter. When I look back on my fondest of memories, they seem like such small moments. The 15 minutes at the alter with my husband. the 30 seconds I had to say goodbye as they rushed my grandfather to surgery, the first 5 minutes after my son was born before they rushed him to NICU, the 20 minutes here and there I can get my kids to sit still to cuddle on the couch, and a few 10 or 15 minute conversations I have had with my mother. Those are the kinds of moments that matter. Not the 8 hours you spend at work. Not the 3 hours spent on housework. Not the 6-8 hours of sleep you get at night.
I guess what I am saying is, pay attention to the far too few precious moments because when you run out of time those are the ones you will remember. Time is the most precious gift given to us. Make sure you aren’t wasting it. You only get one shot and there are no do overs.
Last night I swallowed a reality pill, and the side effects were a giant dose of humility. It’s a concept I’ve heard of before, but last night I think I fully digested it. A friend’s Twitter re-posting of my pastor’s blog caught my eye, so I opened my bible to the place it referenced. Matthew 25: 31 -46. It’s the passage that talks about two groups of people: one who asks “when did we feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, invite strangers in, tend to the sick, or visit prisoners?” To the group that did these things, ie: served their fellow-man, he said “whatever you have done to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you have done to me.” To the group who did not do these things, ie: failed to serve their fellow man, he said “whatever you have not done to one…
As a writer if I write something and don’t immediately put it out there, I am likely to never show it. Mostly because if I look at my work too long I feel it slowly turns into a big pile of letter crap. I pick and pick so much that I begin to feel embarrassed and I over analyze everything I write down. So a few of the things I have published on here have been sitting on for a while and untouched and I was scared to get negative feedback. I know that negative feedback is better than no feedback but it still makes me nervous.
Also, both of my babies birthdays are this week and a family member had surgery. So that is another reason I haven’t been on. I love my writing but my family will always come first no matter what. I did notice today that my mind has been all over the place and I believe it is because I haven’t been writing. I feel sometimes if I don’t get some thoughts out of my head, it may very well explode. So, hopefully I will have more stuff to share in the next few days. Hope everyone is having a great week! ❤ AM
I have been working on a novel for a while now. As a reader I know the first couple of pages mean everything and even more important is the first paragraph. I am going to post the the intro. It’s king of a mini chapter in the beginning. Does it make you want to read more? Does it need more information? Any feed back would be great!! 😀
“So, what did your husband say when you told him about your dream?”
“He told me talk to you.” Lee hated seeing her shrink. She was twenty-five years old and hated being treated like an incompetent child. For eight months she has had to deal with him blabbing on and on about feelings and subconscious emotions.
“So how does that make you feel?”
Like I want to stick your pen in my ear. “I dunno.”
“You have to feel something.”
I feel like going home and taking a nap. “Tired.”
“Nothing. Are we almost done? I need to go home and get dinner started.”
“There is fifteen minutes left.” For the next 20 minutes Dr.Wacko went on and on about relaxation techniques for her to try before bed and new medication used to relieve stress and help her sleep. By the time she left his office, her back hurt and she needed a smoke. As she got into her car, she pulled out her cigs and lit one. She sat there wondering how she went from being a happy new mother to being on the edge of losing her mind and on several anti-depressants. It’s these damn dreams. I am so tired of not getting any sleep and if I do, she won’t leave me alone. At least my “self-conscious” is pretty, even though she is completely psycho.
(Present) I am writing this today because I am tired of trying to hide. I want my story told, I’m done keeping it inside. As you begin to read it, it will slowly all unfold. Here are my memories that I hold. I will try to keep it simple, try to keep it light. Just let it be known I cannot tell a lie.
(9) I sit and wonder why I have to sit alone, when there are three other people home. I sit in this room thinking about outside, all the happy voices on the other side. I lie awake at night, hungry and confused. Everywhere I touch I feel a bump or bruise. I wonder what is wrong with me. What is so different about the other three? In the morning I get to go outside. I have to go to school but everything I hide. I want to scream and cry. I want to tell this story of mine. But I love her. She is everything I have. If I tell the truth, He will be very mad. Then it will be my fault, then she will be sad and I might just lose everything I ever had. – Me
(12) Today I am elated, she tells me just a little longer. I feel my soul begin to brighten. The end is near. No more screams and no more tears. The devil will run and never return. I may get to feel the sun. Several more days of fear and shun. No more planning of trying to run. We will be free when that day comes. – Me
(13-present) Today I met a boy. He was nice to me. He was holding a book by Bruce Lee. He said how are you and kick me in the ribs. He was kind of strange but he was cute. So I did. I wanted to get to know him. Who was this kid? We hung out for some minutes and didn’t want to part. But his friends were waiting and it was getting dark. Fate has a funny way. Years later we would meet and we wore matching casts. He said do I know you and I said from the past. He smiled very sweetly and he took my hand. The two of us would be together and forever we would stand. Now a decade later that boy is a man. By god we are made together until we lay in the land.
(14) All the voices they criticize me. Tell me they hate me. They say I am nobody and people want to see me gone. Tell me that I am stupid and I’m an ugly one. I go home alone to find no one there. I look in the mirror and I stare. I am ugly and no one cares. I go outback to put my feelings in the air. Nothing helps and I begin to cry. I take a little pill that’s supposed to make it better. My eyes keep getting wetter. Another pill that will do the trick, something needs to click. Beginning to grow numb, these little pills are fun. I take two more with a flick of my thumb. My insides begin to swirl and the world is coming undone. Mom comes in from a night of fun. What have you done?! I have made the voices stop but I’m afraid the silence is too much. I am afraid I have brought my life to a close.
(14) Today I met a crazy girl. She kind of scares me. She is very bubbly and nothing at all like me. She is very happy and she wants to be my friend. She is something very different in this wonderland. We decide to dance and celebrate. Around her I feel free. That night we go to a place with dancing lights and people galore. We decide to drink and drink some more. We drank and danced until my guts began to pour. Then a knight appeared right by my side and he took my hand. If you’ll have me I’ll be your man. Within three days, everything has changed.
I started writing because I wanted to inspire others. I write because it is a good outlet for me to let out my thoughts and feelings out and because I love it. I want to continue writing because I want other people to know they are not alone. You are not alone in your fears, your ambitions, or your emotions.
Today something amazing happened. I was just doing my daily ritual of face-booking and checking in on a family member in the hospital. By pure chance I met a woman. (you will know who you are) We found out we had similar interest and began talking. She is an amazing writer. After a while she told me I inspired her to write for the first time in months. That is a big deal. For a true writer to go without writing, is like a bird sitting in a cage. It is damaging for the soul. And for her to tell me I inspired her to do what she loves made me feel like I was about to burst with joy.
I wanted to share a few things with you guys. First, please never give up. I don’t care what it is, keep doing it. Second, always take the opportunity to help others. Get to know the people around you, you never know when even just a smile can turns somebodies week around. Lastly, do something today, right now to put you one step closer to your goal. Even if it is as small as putting down your phone and walking outside. Do it.
When I stare into those baby blues, I am in awe. You have no clue. There is nothing more important to me than you. It’s hard to believe you are already two. I remember the first time I heard that cry. I vowed then I’d be the best mommy or at least, I’d try. Night after night time has flown by. I remember the ride home from the hospital, it was your first time outside. It seemed like everything was out to get us. I remember waking up early because you were hungry and falling asleep with you in my arms. I remember the first time you crawled to me and the first time you waved goodbye. I remember when you came back, you were such a wonderful sight to see. I remember the first time you said mama. I kiss your head. You are now asleep. It’s time for me to make my leave. Goodnight my baby.