That something inside

   My whole life I have been good at pretending things are OK. I’m pretty much a professional at it. As a mom I have to be really good at it. No matter how rough things are you have to keep your happy face on for your kids. Because you never want them to feel fear or worry. I am glad I have mastered it.

   Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life and couldn’t ask for much more. But sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see something that other people don’t see. I see a ghost. I see things in my eyes that haunt me. Sometimes I’ll have a flash back of a much younger scared face. Or I’ll see a flash of rage that I have had hidden deep down for a very long time and sometimes on the rare occasion, I’ll hear things. Screams reduced to tiny whispers. And it scares me.

   I am scared someone will see. I am scared my kids will notice. I am scared because that is a story I wish were never written and that should never be read.

   Then I wash my face until it goes away. But it never really does. It is always waiting to catch me alone to remind me of things not to be forgotten. But that are to remembered until… well I don’t know when. Maybe if I am lucky, when I am old and my memory begins to fade it will too. But I fear that monster will always lurk no matter what I do.

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By ashmkoehler Posted in my mind

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