Never being able to make you happy, is both painful and suffocating. It chokes until all emotions dwindle, dwin, dw……
When nothing is left, no one notices. When the embers catch a glow and the excitement stirs, all I get are shady stares and snide remarks. Eventually it snuffs out the flame completely.
I feel myself growing cold and my pain becoming numb. I feel like you are a walking contradiction. I do what you want but it is never enough. You only notice when I stop. I try so hard and I grow tired. The only emotion you show is anger. Every time it’s a bigger blow. Every time I feel myself crumbling into snowflakes. Each piece floating away to melt on contact. Never to be seen again.
Boredom is back again. I don’t know what to do. As I look around, I feel the tightness of this cage. My mind is racing. The rain is pouring and silence is eating away at me. I am still, but I also pace. I am thirsty,
but nothing sounds good to taste. What to do. What to do. The only thing I can think about is you. Sad but true, I feel like I’m going mad. Sigh. I try with all of my might but no distraction last. Damn my mind is racing so fast. The words are coming faster than I can type. My body feels restless but my brain is putting up a fight. Thinking about us gives me a thrill. I get a chill up my spine. I guess I’ll have to wait and be patient with time. Time is that sneaky thing that always slows when you have no where to go but always moving fast when you want a moment to last.
The pain is ripping through me down my whole right side. I try to hide from it and get some sleep but that’s a joke. I hate my body but it is mine. It’s hard always telling people that I’m just fine. Especially when I just want to cry. It brings me to my knees. He will pay if I ever find him. That day I will get vengeance. He will know the pain.
He will know it intimately. The nightmares he has plagued me with have nothing on what will be his reality.
Here we are. Water is pouring on our heads like the sweetest of rain. You use your weapon to lick me with pain. Each bite makes me tremble. The anticipation is driving me insane. The lust in your eyes matches what I feel inside. You caress my skin with it. It makes me want to cry out. You kiss the redness and it’s the softest thing I have ever felt. You touch me and my soul begins to sing. As we begin to flow in the rhythm, sway with the song, the memories melt. There is nothing but you and I. I feel you. This moment is real.
Round and round it goes. Where it stops nobody knows. It could be good, it could be bad. Fuck it. It was a lot of fun I had. You have your ups and you have your downs. I never know what’s going down. I don’t find out until it’s too late, I’m tired of having shit at stake. You seem happy and then your sad, but I never know if your mad or glad. You say to do it and don’t stop, but then you flip flop and tell me I did bad. How’s a girl supposed to bring you joy when you constantly where a decoy smile. I’d walk 10 miles. I’d walk forever to just know how you feel. I never know what is real. I may be clever, I may seem calm. But inside, I feel torn. Eventually I will break. Nothing I ever say is fake. The eggshells are beginning to break. They are crumbling and I don’t know where to step. I feel like I let you down. You have let me down. We made it through, all was well. The ride has stopped. But before we can get off, it starts again. It goes so fast, I am thrown around. Round and round it never ends.
You complete me. Like the sun and stars compliment the beauty of the moon. Like rain and the earth. Peanut butter and jelly have nothing on us. You gave me a reason to live. You made me believe there was more to life than sadness and fear. You wiped away my tears and chased away my fears. In all my years never had I been shown love that way. The day I met you, I saw that light. The light that made me change who I wanted to be. I wish you could see the love in my heart. You would never doubt again. The light you gave me has grown so strong your nightmares would hide. I wish you could feel what I feel inside. No matter how hard I have tried, I could never prove to you what I feel in my heart but maybe writing this is a way to start.
The anticipation is growing and doing it fast. It will happen tonight, at last. I can’t stop smiling but my nerves are shot. I can barely think. I can’t keep still. I can’t wait to stand before you. I want your hands on me. Thinking about it makes it hard to breathe. I can’t wait to see the look on your face. Thinking about it makes my heart begin to race. You want a taste? Come and get it. I’ll let you do whatever you want. As long as you promise not to stop. Oh dear, I am getting hot. I’m tired of waiting. So meet me here. I wait with bated breath.
Down. Down. Down. It goes deeper than I could have known. Forever worse than the time before. It won’t let me sleep. I wish it would leave. In the mornings it smiles at me with its wicked grin. At night it whispers its songs in my ear. Every note is an old fear. Every lyric is something I want to forget. Sometimes I beg and plead. Sometimes I am silent and cry. No matter how hard I try, it won’t leave me alone. The monster creeps in every chance it gets. In my dreams it plays memories and it laughs as if all of it’s hearts sinister desires came true. I try not to let it get to me. I know my emotions are its biggest tool. But I can be foolish and let its sorrow surround me. That is when I begin typing because as I begin to let the words flow, the feelings begin to lessen and I begin to grow numb. That is when it sulks away until next time.
I can feel you staring from behind. I am getting shivers down my spine. Every hair is standing on end. I can feel you wanting and needing. My heart is pounding. I can feel it too. My mind is spinning with the possibilities. Now I am grinning and I cannot stop. My heart is racing, I fear it will pop. I hear nothing but silence, the words unsaid. As you move closer, energy builds. A storm cloud that can only be felt. I mourn the thought of not saying a word. I then stall and in a moment I lost it all.
There once was a girl who lived in a cage. She was trapped to forever feel his rage. One day she felt such pain, that she actually cried. She was sure that she was going to die. All she wanted to do was fly.
Once the beast left, she knew it was her chance. Out of her window, the little one jumped. She frequently ran to try and get lost. She would try and hide but knew he’d come. She never got free for very long.
He knew she’d try and find someone to tell. Unlucky for her she would never prevail. The devil always took her back to hell. Back to her cell locked up tight. That little girl stayed strong and didn’t give up her fight. She would fight so hard with all of her might.
Through all of the pain and horrible sights, she knew in her heart that there was light. Then one day out of the blue, the monster said that he was through. That girl actually survived her terrible blight.