I wish I could take away all of your pain. I would drink each drop like acid rain. I’d let it melt away everything inside, just to bring back your smile. I can’t do much but I gave you my heart. It may be broken but it’s all I’ve got. I would jump in front of a speeding train. If it was for your smile, I would not die in vain. I try so hard, but that sadness lingers. I can see the darkness that eats away at you. I would go dim and give you my light if it would banish it over night. I’d fight your monsters one on one. I wish I could make everything right. Your happiness is a welcome sight. I’d do anything for you. I love you and this is true.
You complete me. Like the sun and stars compliment the beauty of the moon. Like rain and the earth. Peanut butter and jelly have nothing on us. You gave me a reason to live. You made me believe there was more to life than sadness and fear. You wiped away my tears and chased away my fears. In all my years never had I been shown love that way. The day I met you, I saw that light. The light that made me change who I wanted to be. I wish you could see the love in my heart. You would never doubt again. The light you gave me has grown so strong your nightmares would hide. I wish you could feel what I feel inside. No matter how hard I have tried, I could never prove to you what I feel in my heart but maybe writing this is a way to start.
Both of my kids grew another year older this week. It amazes me that once you have kids time seems to go by so much faster. When I was younger I remember my mom telling me that the older you get the faster time goes by. I didn’t believe her because I always believed time was a measured thing. Measured by seconds, minutes, hours, and so on. But sometimes I wonder if those do not really mean anything.
They say time flies when you are having fun and when you are bored time drags on. So what if time is really measured by your experiences. That’s how it feels to me now that I am a parent. As a kid I used to measure time by counting down the days until my birthday, Christmas, school breaks, and by by events. I would measure time by months and weeks. Now, every second counts. Since I had my daughter four years ago, I have known that I don’t know how much time I have with them. I know that anything can happen in the blink of an eye, faster than a second.
The older they get, it seems like somewhere time got put in fast-forward. Like there must be a few missing weeks. Time is a funny thing. No one knows how much of it is allotted to them. We have tried to harness it with numbers and science but , it is still near impossible to measure. We try to stretch it out but no matter what we do, we always will have the same amount and it isn’t even our choice on how much we get.
We spend so much time working, rushing, and doing so many things that in the long run won’t matter. When I look back on my fondest of memories, they seem like such small moments. The 15 minutes at the alter with my husband. the 30 seconds I had to say goodbye as they rushed my grandfather to surgery, the first 5 minutes after my son was born before they rushed him to NICU, the 20 minutes here and there I can get my kids to sit still to cuddle on the couch, and a few 10 or 15 minute conversations I have had with my mother. Those are the kinds of moments that matter. Not the 8 hours you spend at work. Not the 3 hours spent on housework. Not the 6-8 hours of sleep you get at night.
I guess what I am saying is, pay attention to the far too few precious moments because when you run out of time those are the ones you will remember. Time is the most precious gift given to us. Make sure you aren’t wasting it. You only get one shot and there are no do overs.
When I stare into those baby blues, I am in awe. You have no clue. There is nothing more important to me than you. It’s hard to believe you are already two. I remember the first time I heard that cry. I vowed then I’d be the best mommy or at least, I’d try. Night after night time has flown by. I remember the ride home from the hospital, it was your first time outside. It seemed like everything was out to get us. I remember waking up early because you were hungry and falling asleep with you in my arms. I remember the first time you crawled to me and the first time you waved goodbye. I remember when you came back, you were such a wonderful sight to see. I remember the first time you said mama. I kiss your head. You are now asleep. It’s time for me to make my leave. Goodnight my baby.
I love being a mom. It’s the reason I get up in the mornings. They are my reason to be. They are the reason I can’t sleep at night. They frustrate me, they make me happier than anything in the world. They made me grow up, they keep me young. I always tell myself I would do anything for a babysitter but after being away from them for more than two hours I miss them. When they are not home I feel lonely and lost. I am constantly worrying about what they are doing and if they are safe. Then I start thinking about the day when they will leave home for good and I can’t imagine what my own mother went through after my little brother moved out. Then I remember that one day, we will be forever separated. That feeling terrifies me. To think that one day I might wake up and they won’t be there. So every minute of every day I stay happy. When my toddlers are about to drive me straight to the asylum, I smile. I know every second of every minute is a joyous one because I can still be there to guide them through that tantrum or unknown feeling. I am at peace with being the best mother I can be.
(19) The day has come to meet the one I love. The pain is ripping through me; I can barely move my lungs. Rushing, rushing it’s time to get things done. The ride is slow and unbearable. Now we are moving quickly to meet an angel. This little girl is on her way. As I lie and wait, I start to feel a rush. I get elated; it will soon be time to push. I see my mother’s face but I do not see delight. I stare at my feet and realize it’s time for flight. Blood is flowing everywhere, it’s heading towards the floor. I next hear a question. Life for you or her? I take a deep breath and answer easily, she is more important than anything to me. Voices all around me. But I can hear just one. Close your eyes sweet child and what is done will be done. I take what could be my final breath and tell those I love goodbye. I see darkness and look Death in the eyes. When I told him the feelings that I felt, darkness faded and death began to cry. I heard that she was waiting and love is what I felt. I would meet my angel and hold the life that I had held.
I wrote this about the day my daughter was born. -Ashley Mae