The waiting game


I’m in the line of the damned. My hands are bound. Every inch of me quivers. To my left the execuctioner sharpens his blade. Tears begin to slide down my face. A pool of blood has accumulated at his feet. A million conversations and faces pass through the screen in my mind. Fear and regret are clouding my thoughts. How did I end up here? I am being beckoned. I kneel and lower my head. In a moment I am trapped wondering if he’ll swing and end it. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. A single tear runs down my cheek. What will happen on the other side? What is my fate? My breath hitches and I wait.


My most intimate love and hate relationship

As a writer and lover of the written word, I obviously have strong emotions concerning words. What are words? Words are a magical thing. 26 letters formed in billions of patterns that can shape everything about us. They tell about our dreams. Our fears. They tell us about ourselves. Written or spoken words are powerful but in the end they are really nothing. They are a representation of the mind that conjured them up. They can mean absolutely nothing. It’s the actions or lack there of that really make the definition. As humans we lie all of the time. Our biggest examples are I’m fine, I love you, and I’m here. None of us are really ever “fine”. Love is something people pick and choose to genuinely give. It’s a blanket term for multitudes of emotion. And the real kicker is “I’m here” As of late I’ve heard “I’m here for you” and “I’m here if you need to talk” more times than I can count. Each time I get more queasy. The only time out of hundreds I’ve heard it, I sit alone. Alone in an inky dark pit drowning. No lifeguards in sight. I feel the tendrils of the monsters pulling me down. No magic floaties or rescuers or even a rope. I’m drowning. My words only filling up the pool as I write. Their words are rain filling up my surroundings. I’m suffocating. My world is growing darker and darker and I’m fading.


I now understand why they call intimate connections magnetism. I feel a pull from some unknown place even while you are so far away out of reach. My very core yearning to just graze your flesh and I know with the slightest touch that I’ll be stuck. My mind already consumed. Just the thought yanks at a cord that’s broken inside of me. Like an itch for a drug. Addicted. Electricity crawling over my skin. It’s such a state I’m in. You are where my thoughts are at 4am. The witching hour, I’m under your spell. A moth drawn to a single light in the dark. Hear my call in your dreams. For my song is for you.  Hear me sing.

My monster won today.
His shadow peeked out from behind the corner, reminding me of his darkness. The inky substance that  my nightmares are made of.
The little girl inside fell apart. Screaming and crying so loud that I couldn’t focus to quiet the whispers of the beast. The screaming continued until the little girl burst into flames. Shooting embers in all directions atracking the monster. But, the monster had vanished.
Instead, it seared into him wacthing from a distance. Burning and blistering him. Then rage came exploding out from the wings of the Phoenix in the form of ice. Shooting ice like little popped balloons, raining like confetti. Finishing off what was left of him. And all that was left was silence. -AM

The end.

20170918_234030-1Love is for the damned. Our epitaph.

The nuke went off. A blinding flash of rage and then nothing. I was a lost soul swimming in the abyss known as purgatory. Floating aimlessly in a corrupted moment of time. My spirit was broken.

At that point, the real breaking point, I was covered in garbage and realized I was no one. I was made into a crumbled love note tossed in with the other undesirables.

I think he got comfortable. He thought well she let me slide then, I’ll slide now and everything will be ok. It’s like he forgot that I’m human. He forgot that I was his partner. It was like literally being a ragdoll. Stitched together by words of torment and hate, I fell apart at the seams. Thread and cotton all around for my shame to be witnessed.

Love, true romantic love is foreign to me now. I’m not even sure of my knowing of it was ever really that or a child’s game. A damned carousel I had no idea I was riding until it stopped and my world continued to spin.

** note** i did the picture accompanying this. I felt any of the others I found didn’t fit.-amm

Dear old friend

Dear old friend, it’s been a while since I dared put pen in hand. Now my words are falling sand. While time passed I lost my flame. I felt my mind going lame. Quietly ferocious.
The storm around me raged and waned, raged and waned. Tumultuous. Tossing and turning the waves swallowed me.
Myself and I have cried and screamed. Pleading. I’ve held on tight, embracing the storm. Hands bleeding.
Pouring crimson in the sand. Conjuring the Phoenix. Soaring above the murky shadow clouds my battle cry echoes. Can you hear it?
It reverberates through the air you breathe and the rain that trails down your flesh. The shiver down your spine. It’s mine.phoenix-1995285_960_720

The moment

She laid with the earth and relished the feeling of cool grass on her flesh. The air around her sizzled with primal raw energy. The wind tickled every inch of her flesh. She began feeling her skin; the smooth and warm softness painted with goosebumps. While she swam in the ecstasy of being one with her mother earth, she felt it couldn’t get better. Then, the heavens opened up and began covering her in it’s tears of joy. Showering her in the love of the gods.918dede73898eb4b8f4c76ded3bca3cc

From: the child left behind

I often sit and wonder why; why do you hate me? What did I do wrong? Was it something I said or that silly song?
Fate had it written in the stars for us. We were both born on the same day and under the same moon. If it was the wrong time, what is wrong with the now? Would you tell me the truth?
I looked long and hard for years to find you. I went through hell. I never told you that because I promised I’d never tell. I had given up hope. I had waited so long to meet you. You were the mysterious mystery to the other half of me. I was so excited to be shut down. All of the pain just to be turned away.
I guess there isn’t much to say. I’m sure you’ll just throw this note away. But, before you do ponder these. Do I deserve to never know why I was never good enough? Do my children deserve to be shunned too without even a meeting? What shall god’s judgment be when the chapter where I was thrown away because your wish was not fulfilled comes up?
Good bye forever, good bye for always, because never ever your baby I’ll be.Ashley Mae

Like snow

Never being able to make you happy, is both painful and suffocating. It chokes until all emotions dwindle, dwin, dw……
When nothing is left, no one notices. When the embers catch a glow and the excitement stirs, all I get are shady stares and snide remarks. Eventually it snuffs out the flame completely.
I feel myself growing cold and my pain becoming numb. I feel like you are a walking contradiction. I do what you want but it is never enough. You only notice when I stop. I try so hard and I grow tired. The only emotion you show is anger. Every time it’s a bigger blow. Every time I feel myself crumbling into snowflakes. Each piece floating away to melt on contact. Never to be seen again.


The anticipation is growing and doing it fast. It will happen tonight, at last. I can’t stop smiling but my nerves are shot. I can barely think. I can’t keep still. I can’t wait to stand before you. I want your hands on me. Thinking about it makes it hard to breathe. I can’t wait to see the look on your face. Thinking about it makes my heart begin to race. You want a taste? Come and get it. I’ll let you do whatever you want. As long as you promise not to stop. Oh dear, I am getting hot. I’m tired of waiting. So meet me here. I wait with bated breath.