As you sleep, I can tell that you are dreaming. As I look upon you, I wonder if you see me or your monster. Is it I that haunts your dreams or a sickeningly painful memory? I begin to think about my dreams. Some are filled up with the delightful muse that is you, others are filled with the horrendous memories of my quondum. Just the thought of the latter makes me want to jolt you awake. Let me take your breath away with a kiss and let me scare your monsters away.
I wish I could take away all of your pain. I would drink each drop like acid rain. I’d let it melt away everything inside, just to bring back your smile. I can’t do much but I gave you my heart. It may be broken but it’s all I’ve got. I would jump in front of a speeding train. If it was for your smile, I would not die in vain. I try so hard, but that sadness lingers. I can see the darkness that eats away at you. I would go dim and give you my light if it would banish it over night. I’d fight your monsters one on one. I wish I could make everything right. Your happiness is a welcome sight. I’d do anything for you. I love you and this is true.
I still feel it. I feel the way your fingers trace my skin learning every scar that it wears. I can feel the way your hand cupped the side of my face as you started into my eyes. My back feels the absence of your hands upon it. My skin longs for your touch. My back still feels the trace of frisson from your silent touch. My body yearns for the moment I awake and your arms are around me. My ear still feels the susurrus of your voice. My soul craves for the moment it dances with yours again. My whole being hungers for yours.
The silence is back again. But my silence is different from yours. Mine is maddeningly loud. The skeletons and demons scream. Sometimes they are so loud, I can’t hear myself think and I forget to breathe. Sometimes I wish someone else could hear them. A few have seen the traces of their essence. But, even fewer recognized them. I fear that the monsters will use me up until there is nothing left.
I woke up and I wasn’t sure if I awoke in reality or a dream. In both you were laying next to me. Your fingertips were tracing an unseen map across my skin. Your lips were tasting my anima. Passion burning wherever our skin met. I’m drifting the planes of euphoria and torment . Every touch a tease. Please don’t stop. Then I get smacked with the realization of my current state. My heart rate is becoming increasingly unsteady. My unconsciousness became my conscious existence if only for a little while. In the short mile of a moment, I was lost.
I hear his car pull in. My heart begins to race and my palms are sweaty. I know he’s coming for me. The next few minutes are agonizing. He comes in screaming. The door slams so loud the walls shake in terror. Fear is clouding my brain. I have lost my train of thought. He reaches towards the closet and my spirit sinks. Please anything but that. He screams some more but I can’t comprehend what he is saying. I’m too afraid to think. He snatches my arm and I feel the familiar pain. Once, twice, three times. Again and again. My wrist begin to bleed. I don’t cry out, I begin to laugh. I laugh like I’ve heard the funniest joke in the world. Apparently he doesn’t find it funny. He grabs my hair and his fist finds my face. I taste the floor. Darkness begins to consume me. At least in my darkness, I am free….. if you or someone you know is suffering through child abuse, you can call 1-800-422-4453…. it’s the ChildHelp national child abuse hotline.
I feel your hands on me like you are searching for the answers to your deepest questions. Questions that you are afraid to ask. Every inch you cover, sends a message to hidden parts of me. Parts that are hidden from the world. And for a brief moment, I feel like a piece of you is swimming through my veins setting my skin on fire. I forgot about my problems. I forgot who and where I was. For a moment I didn’t have a care in the world.
The silent screams I cry. I’m so tired of trying to hide. Anymore my pride hurts. I can never do right. I try and try with all of my might and somehow it still ends in a fight. Every night I feel the light fading. What am I trading it for? What can I do? I never have wanted to hurt you. I can’t say anything more true. What has happened to us? I love you. What can I do? Nothing is working like it was planned. We are supposed to be invincible. Supposed to be unbreakable. But I feel our bridge is crumbling, one stone at a time. I can feel them splashing in the dark water below. Each drop on my skin feels like poison eating away at me. If the bridge breaks can we swim?
Never being able to make you happy, is both painful and suffocating. It chokes until all emotions dwindle, dwin, dw……
When nothing is left, no one notices. When the embers catch a glow and the excitement stirs, all I get are shady stares and snide remarks. Eventually it snuffs out the flame completely.
I feel myself growing cold and my pain becoming numb. I feel like you are a walking contradiction. I do what you want but it is never enough. You only notice when I stop. I try so hard and I grow tired. The only emotion you show is anger. Every time it’s a bigger blow. Every time I feel myself crumbling into snowflakes. Each piece floating away to melt on contact. Never to be seen again.
Boredom is back again. I don’t know what to do. As I look around, I feel the tightness of this cage. My mind is racing. The rain is pouring and silence is eating away at me. I am still, but I also pace. I am thirsty,
but nothing sounds good to taste. What to do. What to do. The only thing I can think about is you. Sad but true, I feel like I’m going mad. Sigh. I try with all of my might but no distraction last. Damn my mind is racing so fast. The words are coming faster than I can type. My body feels restless but my brain is putting up a fight. Thinking about us gives me a thrill. I get a chill up my spine. I guess I’ll have to wait and be patient with time. Time is that sneaky thing that always slows when you have no where to go but always moving fast when you want a moment to last.