When I stare into those baby blues, I am in awe. You have no clue. There is nothing more important to me than you. It’s hard to believe you are already two. I remember the first time I heard that cry. I vowed then I’d be the best mommy or at least, I’d try. Night after night time has flown by. I remember the ride home from the hospital, it was your first time outside. It seemed like everything was out to get us. I remember waking up early because you were hungry and falling asleep with you in my arms. I remember the first time you crawled to me and the first time you waved goodbye. I remember when you came back, you were such a wonderful sight to see. I remember the first time you said mama. I kiss your head. You are now asleep. It’s time for me to make my leave. Goodnight my baby.
I love being a mom. It’s the reason I get up in the mornings. They are my reason to be. They are the reason I can’t sleep at night. They frustrate me, they make me happier than anything in the world. They made me grow up, they keep me young. I always tell myself I would do anything for a babysitter but after being away from them for more than two hours I miss them. When they are not home I feel lonely and lost. I am constantly worrying about what they are doing and if they are safe. Then I start thinking about the day when they will leave home for good and I can’t imagine what my own mother went through after my little brother moved out. Then I remember that one day, we will be forever separated. That feeling terrifies me. To think that one day I might wake up and they won’t be there. So every minute of every day I stay happy. When my toddlers are about to drive me straight to the asylum, I smile. I know every second of every minute is a joyous one because I can still be there to guide them through that tantrum or unknown feeling. I am at peace with being the best mother I can be.
(19) The day has come to meet the one I love. The pain is ripping through me; I can barely move my lungs. Rushing, rushing it’s time to get things done. The ride is slow and unbearable. Now we are moving quickly to meet an angel. This little girl is on her way. As I lie and wait, I start to feel a rush. I get elated; it will soon be time to push. I see my mother’s face but I do not see delight. I stare at my feet and realize it’s time for flight. Blood is flowing everywhere, it’s heading towards the floor. I next hear a question. Life for you or her? I take a deep breath and answer easily, she is more important than anything to me. Voices all around me. But I can hear just one. Close your eyes sweet child and what is done will be done. I take what could be my final breath and tell those I love goodbye. I see darkness and look Death in the eyes. When I told him the feelings that I felt, darkness faded and death began to cry. I heard that she was waiting and love is what I felt. I would meet my angel and hold the life that I had held.
I wrote this about the day my daughter was born. -Ashley Mae